Zombie Jesus and an egg laying bunny
Have you ever wanted to know what the connection between Jesus rising from the dead and the Easter bunny was? If you have you are not alone, there was even a southpark episode made on the topic. So I did some research and found out a little bit more about the story of Jesus and the origins of the Easter bunny.
The Christian Story of Easter and Zombie Jesus
Jesus is crucified
So Pilate, anxious to please the crowd, released Barabbas to them. He ordered Jesus flogged with a lead-tipped whip then turned Him over to the Roman soldiers to crucify Him. They dressed Him in a purple robe and made a crown of long, sharp thorns and put it on His head. Then they saluted, yelling, “Hail! King of the Jews!” And they beat Him on the head with a stick, spit on Him and dropped to their knees in mock worship. When they were finally tired of mocking Him, they took off the purple robe and put His own clothes on Him again. Then they led Him away to be crucified.
A man named Simon, who was from Cyrene, was coming in from the country just then, and they forced him to carry Jesus’ cross. And they brought Jesus to a place called Golgotha (which means Skull Hill). They offered Him wine drugged with myrrh, but He refused it. Then they nailed Him to the cross. They gambled for His clothes, throwing dice to decide who would get them.
It was nine o’clock in the morning when the crucifixion took place. A signboard was fastened to the cross above Jesus’ head, announcing the charge against Him. It read: “The King of the Jews.” Two criminals were crucified with Him, their crosses on either side of His. And the people passing by shouted abuse, shaking their heads in mockery. ”Ha! Look at you now!” they yelled at Him. “You can destroy the Temple and rebuild it in three days, can you? Well then, save yourself and come down from the cross!”
The leading priests and teachers of religious law also mocked Jesus. “He saved others,” they scoffed, “but He can’t save himself! Let this Messiah, this king of Israel, come down from the cross so we can see it and believe Him!” Even the two criminals who were being crucified with Jesus ridiculed Him.
The death of Jesus
At noon, darkness fell across the whole land until three o’clock. Then, at that time Jesus called out with a loud voice,
“Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” which means, “My God, my God, why have You forsaken Me?”
Some of the bystanders misunderstood and thought He was calling for the prophet Elijah. One of them ran and filled a sponge with sour wine, holding it up to Him on a stick so he could drink. ”Leave Him alone. Let’s see whether Elijah will come and take Him down!” he said.
Then Jesus uttered another loud cry and breathed His last. And the curtain in the Temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. When the Roman officer who stood facing Him saw how He had died, he exclaimed, “Truly, this was the Son of God!”
Some women were there, watching from a distance, including Mary Magdalene, Mary (the mother of James the younger and of Joseph) and Salome. They had been followers of Jesus and had cared for Him while He was in Galilee. Then they and many other women had come with Him to Jerusalem.
The burial of Jesus
This all happened on Friday, the day of preparation, the day before the Sabbath. As evening approached, an honored member of the high council, Joseph from Arimathea (who was waiting for the Kingdom of God to come), gathered his courage and went to Pilate to ask for Jesus’ body. Pilate couldn’t believe that Jesus was already dead, so he called for the Roman military officer in charge and asked him. The officer confirmed the fact, and Pilate told Joseph he could have the body. Joseph bought a long sheet of linen cloth, and taking Jesus’ body down from the cross, he wrapped it in the cloth and laid it in a tomb that had been carved out of the rock. Then he rolled a stone in front of the entrance. Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of Joseph saw where Jesus’ body was laid.
After dying, Jesus was raised from the dead and once more walked among the living. This, of course, would only be possible if he were a zombie; Zombie Jesus is the identity of Jesus following the Resurrection. In zombie form, Jesus retained his unending love for mankind, in particular, he loved their sweet, delectable brains. Many of his followers were surprised when, instead of offering God’s salvation, Zombie Jesus voraciously consumed their faces.
It is now widely believed today that Jesus was the source breeder of modern-day zombies, since when he resurrected, he infected his disciples with the blood of the new “Holy Alliance”, thus founding the basis for whole new era of zombie mayhem, unseen since the infection of elite Greek philosophers by Zombie Plato several centuries before. This new batch of zombies later developed the Roman Catholic Church, once the entire Roman empire political elite was zombified on-the-spot by Alberto the Great (who was actually a zombie-vampire hybrid created by Constantine with the help of his right hand, Albert Einstein). It is a fact known today that the Catholic Church is full of zombies, and the higher position of authority is occupied by a hive-mind zombie-vampire called “Zombie Pope”.
The Easter Bunny Story
Ostara Pagan German Goddess who is the personification of the rising sun. In that capacity she is associated with the spring and is considered to be a fertility goddess. She is the friend of all children and to amuse then she changed her pet bird into a rabbit. This rabbit brought forth brightly colored eggs, which the goddess gave to the children as gifts. From her name and rites the festival of Easter is derived.
Even though most of our reasons for celebrating Easter in the U.S. is based on Christian beliefs all of the traditions are based on German Pagan Mythology. If you read the story we collect eggs from rabbit because she turned her pet bird into a rabbit that laid colored eggs. The Easter Bunny Story is older than the Jesus Story, and the holiday of Easter was originally created to celebrate the spring equinox (March 21st) when there is an equal amount of light and dark on that day. We go the name Easter from this Ostara’s (AKA Ēostre) name.
I still haven’t been able to figure out why the day Jesus was resurrected changes every year. I initially thought it was because of the spring equinox but that is the same day every year, so I don’t know where that tradition comes from.
About the Author
Holli Smith is the creator of The Colligere. She is a freelance web designer who resides in McDonough Georgia. She is currently attending school at the Art Institute of Atlanta to finish her Bachelors degree in interactive media design. When she does have free time she likes to read and play Katamari Forever on the Playstation 3.